Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

Fact of life #167: There is no such thing as no strings attached sex. Yes I am a female and yes I am admitting to this.  Some dudes are well aware of this little fact which is why they keep their one night stands at arms length i.e., no swapping of numbers, no sleeping over and definitely no last name so they don’t get a next day friend request on creepbook.

So apparently us chicks have this hormone called Oxytocin which, according to Wikipedia, is also called the ‘love hormone’ which is supposed to be within our nervous system and is triggered by emotion. So a bit like a cold sore. Except there is no cream for this shit, this hormone combined with the ever so wonderful oestrogen evokes maternal feelings hence causing us to ‘love’. Sweet.

Oh how fabulous our bodies are! Men age like wine and we are more like avocados. Men get to piss up any old lamp post and forget about it while we end up falling in love with some winner who basically used us as a service station.  Let’s throw having our period, childbirth and trying to keep up with the Kardashians into the mix and boy, ain’t life grand?

Friends with benefits is such bullshit.  Well….I guess the ‘benefits’ we speak of are different between the two sexes.  Guys see the benefit of sex and girls see the benefit of intimacy.  Of course I am generalising but generalisations are based on general consensus and not everyone will be the exception to the rule so you know what I’m saying is the fucking truth.

How beneficial is it exactly to have someone who only wants to sleep with you whilst thinking that ‘you’ll do for now’ until they meet someone they actually want to be seen out with in public?  Could you be any more insulted?  Well, often these rendezvous’ mean that they leave about 5 minutes after the event and you’re left laying in the wet patch so yes, I guess you could be more insulted.

Then there is the whole issue of the quality of the deed.  You don’t bring out the good China  for just anybody you know.  Men, correction – SOME men, expect a six course dinner with complimentary wines except they treat it like a drive through.   They want blow jobs that end with ingestion, anal sex and get iffy if you haven’t recently paid a visit to Brazil…if you know what I mean.  They want their cake and they want it dirty.  Then they expect to find a girlfriend who has ‘saved’ all these things for the ‘right guy’ i.e. him.  Yeah right.

In theory, the whole notion of no string nookie is genius. Hook up, have fun, kiss good bye then the next time you see each other out you give a cheeky little wink and a wave and maybe even do it all over again with zero expectation.  Ha! You wish jellyfish. Human emotion loves to just get stuck in there like a parent at a teenage party and ruin everything.

If it feels right do it…what a wonderful notion. Except one of the main differences that separates us humans from the animal kingdom is that we are able to practice a little self control.  So if the other side of the bed is feeling a bit empty or if you have a sexual urge that needs scratching, buy a hot water bottle and/or use the two perfectly good hands that God gave you and let off some steam independently.  Bring out the good plates for someone that is more than just a walking genital.