Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

1. Our insecurities have progressed.

I know you think you already know this about us but if you think this only applies to some of us, then you are wrong, because it actually applies to all of us. You will never come across a group of people such as the female population that are so hung up on the most stupidest of shit. Being the prettiest, the thinnest or having the biggest tits are a given and this is what I like to call ‘No Brainer Insecurities’ but if you scratch the surface you will unveil a treasure trove of insecurity that is your gateway into getting some pussy.

Body issues are so nineties! On the brink of 2013 chick insecurities have reached a more sophisticated level. We want to be taking the best Instagram photos with the most ‘likes’ and therefore considered ‘arty’. We don’t care if we’re not the thinnest, as long as we are known for being the most well-dressed with impeccable style. Trap music and other such mindless shit is all the rage with you fellas, therefore it is the rage with us, so girls will study and dissect the internet in order to be the most clued-up when it comes to a rappers career and will acquire an in-depth opinion on their flow and technique. Moral of the story? If you want to get laid, don’t be boring with your “nice ass” or “beautiful eyes” compliments. Instead, compliment her on her Alexander Wang handbag and impeccable iTunes playlist because that is what really counts to the modern girl.

2. We are open to you cumming on our face.

All you have to do is ask. The main reason for this is because we would rather it go on our face than on our freshly washed, 1000 count sheets. We are living in a material world and we are material girls. We only ask that you watch out for our eyes and our hair and that you tell us we look pretty afterwards.

3. We hate dick pics and we definitely show them to all our friends because they are hilarious.

If a girl asks you for a dick pic there is only one reason for it and it is because she needs collateral for all the noodz that she has sent you. If she is asking you for a photo of your delicious little member and she has kept her genitals out of the view of her iPhone camera, then it is a matter of wanting control. There is no way on earth that she is asking for them because she actually likes them. None at all. Zero. No way Jose.

4. We assume most guys are dicks until proven otherwise.

Yes, it’s unfair and yes it’s unreasonable but don’t blame us, blame society or better yet, blame your male friends who have ruined it for the rest of you. Don’t you guys assume all girls are psycho unless proven otherwise? WELL THEN. Yeah I know it’s no fair but life ain’t fair buddy. We can go on and on about how things are supposed to be but shit hey, I have Mediterranean blood coursing through my veins and yet, instead of the cliche hour-glass body I get to visit my waxer more than the average broad. And such is life.

5. We love words.

The things you say to us will stick in our minds a lot longer than the things that you do for us. Say something really nice and/or sentimental and we will play it over in our mind forever and ever. Whisper “You have the sweetest little pussy” in our ear during sex and we will put you down as the best sex we ever had, even if your penis is 5 inches short of 7 inches. If you write us a letter, we will keep it in a box in a drawer in our dressing table long after we break up and after we have sold the expensive handbag you bought us on eBay for 90% less than it was worth.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly Shooting From the Hip column here.