Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

1. Mr Sensitive – Somewhere down the line this got misconstrued and we ended up with a bunch of men that cry on a whim and try to ‘make love’ to us with Frank Ocean playing in the background. Girls love sensitive men not wimps. When a woman witnesses a man loving animals, his mother (but not a mama’s boy) or children it makes him about 73% more attractive. In fact, this is what will sway her affection even if you haven’t been blessed with commercial good looks. Buying us chocolate when we’re dying from PMS without us having to ask will earn you bonus points.

2. Mr Ambitious – The reason why Jay-Z has managed to both marry and knock-up Beyonce is because he aims high, is focused and seemingly has a bucketful of integrity. Money you say? ‘yonce is packing way more paper than him and I doubt his pot of gold would be missed if it were to be whisked away. So less bong, more seek.com. Less talk, more do. All girls wish they were Beyonce and they want their Jay-Z.

3. Mr Celebrity – I’m not gonna lie in this piece, why should I? Girls like famous dudes and they don’t even have to be hot. Why? Because the fact they can have anyone yet chose them goes a long, long way. Also, the fact he is Mr Ambition and Mr Celeb combined makes him pretty irresistible. Plus his PR skills are probably off the hook.

4. Mr Hot As Fuck – We’re only human.

5. Mr Asshole – We can debate why women lose their shit over dickheads forever and a day and still never come to a conclusion. Some women are suckers for attention and even bad attention is attention. Why else do some chicks stay with dudes who go Chris Brown on their ass? The Crystals have this song where one of the lines is; “He hit me and it felt like a kiss”. I think that says enough really.

6. Mr Bad Boy – Whoah you guys get mixed messages! Be sensitive! Be a bad boy! Be ambitious! Don’t be money-hungry! I hear ya. Anyway I digress… Mr Bad Boy has been a favourite mister since the beginning of time. Women are nurturers and no matter how many times they see their friends or they themselves get burnt, they still think that they will ‘change’ him. They hope that they will be the woman that he decides to settle down with and throws away all his bad boy habits for. Mr Bad Boy = project.

7. Mr Monster Cock – Because when we go to the Royal Show, we’re probably only going to go once with no intention of going back for more because its expensive and not everything, but we still want to go on a ride on the Mega Drop.

8. Mr Swag – Boys with uncontrived fashion sense, good taste in music and food run seriously high on a girl’s wish list. We’re not talking about dripping in all the fashions from tumblr (I said uncontrived) or your favourite music being some obscure mixtape or band from Iceland that nobody has heard of ever or retardedly expensive fine dining. No. Have an appreciation for the classics. Know the good from the bad irrespective of personal taste and own a suit.

9. Mr Amazing in Bed – Eat. Pussy.

10. Mr Loyal – Treating your parents, friends and loved ones with respect goes a long way. And also, love the one you’re with.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.