At some point in the last few weeks I publicly declared that I would attempt to listen to the entire Migos discography while heroically drunk. I originally planned on conducting this highly important scientific research while under the influence of a free bottle of Wu-Tang Clan branded booze, but since I had to force myself through a glass of that liquid swill in order to punch out my review for this very website, I went and grabbed a bottle of Jameson instead so that I could indulge in some proper drinking. It also quickly dawned on me that it might be best not to watch the videos for any of these songs, since the old bait-and-switch of eye candy video “vixens” can tend to be distracting when attempting to conduct highly important cultural research such as this. As to whether or not I can hold myself to that rule over the course of the evening is another matter altogether, as the old equation of (x) > (y) tends to apply where (x) represents the volume of neat Irish whiskey consumed and ‘y’ is me not knowing how to act.

To begin with, I’ve sought-out some advice on the best Migos deep-cuts from reputable sources (aka random Twitter dudes).

‘Cocaina’ feat. Young Thug [two drinks deep]

Bass for days. The hook and main loop are shit though.

‘Jabroni’ feat. Mac Miller [three drinks deep]

This is from a limited-edition Alchemist 7″ from last year, and therefore has the unfair advantage of an ALC beat. To balance things out, it also loses points for having Mac ‘Settled-out-of-court’ Miller urinating all over the floor on the last part of the song. The Migos lad’s mention that “her mouth is water, like the sea/her pussy make me sea-sick, I need some Drumamine.” If the Lambo’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’. Ammirite?

‘All Good’

This beat is kinda annoying. Unlike this Jameson which is proof that Yeezus is for the children, like ODB.

‘Cross The Country’

These dudes are going in on the gold, which I always appreciate. Likewise for the ‘two glocks on my hip like Tomb Raider’ line. Not for nothing that the main loop sounds like something a Playstation 1 might have squawked out, bass drops notwithstanding.

‘Fight Night’ [four drinks deep]

Now we’re cooking as we take it back to 2014 when the trio was rapping over Too $hort style beats and shouting out the passing of Nate Dogg. The Ant Banks squelchy bass sells this without a doubt.

‘Pronto’

Fuck this song. *skips to next song after 1:30* Time to listen to the most viewed hits from the crew now…

‘Bad and Boujee’ feat. Lil Uzi Vert

461 million views, eh? This is easily the best beat these fellas have rapped over, since it reminds me of a modern-day version of J-Force’s ‘For All Thoze.’ The video’s a winner too, great concept and well executed. I have a feeling I’ve heard the best that Migos have to offer at this point.

‘T-Shirt’ [five drinks deep]

There’s no doubt that Biggie Smalls would have made a song rocking the ‘Migos flow’ if he was still here, just like that ‘Notorious Thugs’ bullshit he did on the second album. This is perfectly serviceable, but hardly peak Migos.

‘Slippery’ feat. Gucci Mane

Flashback to that NWA ‘Pool Party’ video. Gucci is the highlight as always.

‘Deadz’ feat. 2 Chainz

This is a bad ’80s flashback to those rap videos where they have a fake band pretending to play the sample. This shit is clearly just a keyboard and drum machine—who ya foolin’? Tity Boy is terrible as always, except for his use of the term ‘broad.’

‘Get Right Witchya’

Nope.

‘What The Price’

Keytar like woah. This is some ‘Black Beatles’ type shit.

Fuck this, all the songs are sounding identical at this point. Trying to find a good beat.

‘Say Sum’ [six drinks deep, this is a double]

This is the 2016 equivalent of LL Cool J’s ‘I Need Love,’ for better and worse. The chick at 3:30 is certified top shelf, just for the record.

‘Can’t Go Out Sad (3 Way Ep)’

This loop works, on some modern-day Beatnuts level. I enjoy the way it sounds like ol’ mate is saying ‘spacialy about that bitch.’

‘Hannah Montana’

Any song that feature the line ‘eating her all like a cannibal’ is a keeper. Less so the ‘Bake it like Anita’ bit however. Still, this is the greatest rap dedication to Snow Flakes since Biz Markie and Chris Rock remade that problematic Rolling Stones song. Bonus points for the strong Coogi sweater game and for saying ‘She popping that X, no Malcolm.’ This song is a cultural milestone which will be studied by anthropologists in five hundred years from now.

‘Origin’ [seven drinks deep]

Big Dawg Timmy Westwood sighting! Salutes for the mention of having never done a push up.

‘Black Bottles’ feat. Rick Ross

Rawse is the best rapping C.O. ever. This is Meagan Good.

‘Slide On ‘Em’ feat. Blac Youngsta

This has that anti-social, moody feel that I appreciate from good rap.

‘Westwood Freestyle’ [eight drinks deep]

I’m not mad at this. I’m also pretty drunk. I can’t front on those ad libs though. ‘And if we lose, we gonna take it from ya.’ 2017 Run-DMC or nah? Probably not. Mildly entertaining, nevertheless.

The verdict: The best Migos song is undoubtedly ‘Bad And Boujee,’ with the ALC song, ‘Fight Night’, Rick Ross, and ‘Hannah Montana’ making up the top five.