For a while now, online services that anonymously send your enemies boxes of various kinds of poop have circulated around the blogosphere. (Seriously, so many services) While this is hilarious, there’s also a range of issues regarding legality, hygiene and the broad notion of what constitutes acceptable behaviour. Thankfully, someone with a panache for passive aggressive mailing services has stripped the core concept of its faecal underpinnings and has introduced glitter as an equally annoying substitute. The self explanatory Ship Your Enemies Glitter may not have the most trustworthy testimonials, but the central idea is a solid one.
“For my 1 year anniversary I didn’t know what to get my wife so I bought this thinking it would be funny. It wasn’t, I’m now divorced, broke & living with my best friend. I’d like to talk with the owner to get a refund & discuss damages. You can reply directly to this email address.” says Alma Henry, who totally exists.
I can’t quite figure out how the glitter is supposed to get everywhere if it’s just sort of inserted in an envelope. I imagine that if I received an envelope that felt like it had a granular material in it, I would immediately assume my habit of sending hate mail had caught up to me and someone had replied with an anthrax postcard. When you really think about it though, $9.99 per envelope sent seems like chump change when you’re striking that potential level of fear into your your foes. It might scare them so much that they’ll literally shit glitter.
If you’re reading this right now and thinking that both glitter and poop sound like great ideas but you don’t want to have to choose (you sick bastard), you don’t have to. The service Ruin Days can send the villain in your life glittery poop and, if you’re the villain, you could go that extra mile and have it shipped in a spring loaded tube. It’s a little more expensive, but you just can’t put a price on the glittery, shit-flecked scowl of your enemies, can you?