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Weekly updates


OO - Add me on Facebook

We lead double lives now: one real one; one internet one. Some of us have the hang of keeping the balance. Others… not so much. The difference between the two is that you have more control over the one than the other.

PHOTOGRAPHS

Oh dear. It’s pretty fucked that someone can just take a crap photo of you then plaster it all over the net for all and sundry. It’s almost better that shit gets tagged, otherwise its just out therein the interweb wilderness, and you will have no idea. So…

• Avoid the camera when you are wasted/high.

• Stop taking photographs of your wasted/high friends.

• Having a baby? Cool! Post pics post-birth, when your little bundle has been cleaned and Mama has had an opportunity to sort herself out. Pictures of baba covered in blood and mucus, and Mummy’s bleeding inner thighs are best kept in the family vault thanks.

• Naked shots. Do I really have to say anything?

• Photos of you and your other half sucking each others face off… yeah, and why do you think this interests anybody?

• Be a doll, and don’t knowingly post unflattering photographs of your friends. ‘Unflattering’ includes scenarios like the moment they put a massive forkful of food in their mouth, when they are pulling a weird dance face, and so on. You might think it’s hilarious and clever, but if there ever was such a thing as karma, it exists in the tag button motherfucker.

• If you see the camera coming and you are gurning your face off, or you know you look a little worse for wear, turn your head, get away, slap the photographer in the face. Just don’t say cheese whatever you do.

STATUS UPDATES

People judge you by your status update. Please note the following:

• FB is not the place for airing your dirty laundry. Cat fights, family dramas, partners cheating ways, beef with someone…leave it out. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wildly entertaining for the reader but it makes you look tacky and people will feel embarrassed on your behalf. It’s so funny! Like, some people have around 800 friends – if all those 800 stood in front of you in real life, would you say half the things you put in your little status box? Exactly. Now WHY is it okay on the internet?

• Boring updates are to be avoided. (i.e. ‘Just had bacon for breakfast’; ‘Been to the gym’; ‘I am boring’; etcetera, etcetera. Nobody cares about your beige life.

• Emo updates! Oh dear God. Cry me a river, will ya. ‘My life is fucked.’ Yes. Yes it is.

IN A RELATIONSHIP?

So you live together and you post a million ‘I love yous’ on one another’s walls – hmm, didn’t you see each other like, an hour ago? Who are you trying to convince? It just makes one wonder if there’s trouble in paradise.

DON’T SLAG OFF PEOPLE, UNLESS THEY ARE CELEBRITIES

It’s even worse when it’s done passive-aggressively, writing something to insinuate that you are talking about someone just to make them wonder if it is them that you are talking about. Oh God. I can’t actually believe grown adults do that shit.

‘I’M DOING A FRIEND CULL’

Thanks for the announcement. You are probably deleting people you never talk to, which means they won’t even notice. Go you! If it’s someone you hate, then please read the above, re passive aggression.

SPAM MY INBOX ONE MORE TIME AND I’LL TAG YOUR UNFLATTERING PHOTO LIKE NO TOMORROW

I said yes I’ll attend, now quit bugging me. FUCK.

‘WE MUST CATCH UP SOON, I MISS YOUR FACE’

You have no intention of catching up and you hate her face.

To conclude, basically, your Facebook wall is like a big room full of people that includes colleagues, family, friends (close and distant) and acquaintances. Would you have a catfight in front of all these people while you are high as a kite, naked and then afterwards get fresh with some dude? You would? You have issues.

It is a place to network, stay in touch, get your message across, be creative. It shouldn’t be used as some kind of adult playground to bully (yes bully) other adults or to tell all your ‘friends’ how ‘SOOOO TOTALLY HAPPY YOU ARE!!!’ Yeah right, sunshine.

That’s just my opinion. I have a lot of those.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.