Ah, the good ol’ cliché. Where would we be without them? A cliché is only a cliché because it’s true! Everything happens for a reason and life is short so remember to think positive and love your fellow man. You see, it is important to always look on the bright side of life, because what is the alternative? Live and learn. Live and let live! Shit happens. It is what it is… no more, no less. Same shit, different day and laughter is the best medicine. C’est la vie and carpe diem, motherfuckers.

Let’s delve a little deeper, shall we?

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER

O rly? What if it looks boring as hell and is all dirty and shit? Why would I pick it up? Do you go for a magazine that has someone you can’t tolerate on the cover? I don’t think you do. The way we dress sends a message about the kind of person we are. Shallow you say? Oh boo fucking hoo. Sure, there are exceptions but unfortunately, we are visual beings. How many times do video clips make you fall in love with a song, for instance? No one is expecting you to be the coolest kid on the block, but take a bit of pride in what you look like. A pie intact is way more appealing than a dropped one. Get me?

THERE’S NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK

Um, there is actually a lot of use thanks. What if you are having a shit day and that bit of milk was all you had going for you? It’s like saying you can’t cry over someone who died. It’s called mourning! Yes, yes we shouldn’t worry about what happened in the past. Whats done is done and all that, but fuck man – we are entitled to be pissed when things don’t go the way we expect them to. Leave us be with our tears for a second!

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, TALKS LIKE A DUCK AND LOOKS LIKE A DUCK IT’S A DUCK

Yes, thanks for that.

A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY

I’d take lying on my front in a hammock, sipping on a coconut cocktail while a guy in little shorts named Guido gives me a back rub over changing jobs any day.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER

Now why in God’s name would I want to do that, huh? ‘Oh hey dude, I know you hate me and stuff and say wack shit to me, but you know what? I’m gonna keep you in my fold in case you decide to ruin my life at some point.’ SCREW THAT. Get the asshole out of your life! Sure, keep a beady eye on them via FB or something, but, bloody hell, cut dem ties!

MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU HAPPINESS

The only people who say this are those who don’t have it (me) and are trying to appease themselves. Money is more powerful than love, mate. Two people in love living in the gutter? Yeah, don’t think so.

If you can’t cook, don’t tell someone their food needs salt. (That should be my new motto.)