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oo - The truth about threesomes - this time it's personal-2

In 2012 I wrote a piece about threesomes that received quite a response. Things like, “I don’t think you’ve ever had a threesome obnoxious owl bc you really don’t seem to know what you’re talking about,” from ‘confused’. And “The vast number of assumptions present is a sure indicator that the feminist who wrote this is grossly lacking the experience necessary to make any assertion on the topic,” from ‘LIFT YO GAME’. Along with my personal favourite: “Stop watching Sex and the City you idiot,” from ‘opinionated’. Seriously, who are you guys? The threesome police? You do realise that sexual preferences are highly, highly subjective, right? And while I try to keep some sort of mystery around my own sex life (sort of) I am now forced to admit on the internet that I have been involved in many threesomes. Hi mum!

I write opinion pieces. I’m not trying to enter the New Testament or anything and have “Thou shalt not have threesomes” added to the Ten Commandments. I only speak from experience, and my experience with the three-way tango was pretty beige. My first brush with a threesome was when I first moved to London back in 2000 and I was just a tender 18-year-old. Woah, now there is some amateur porn. Teen and threesomes: 2 birds 1 cup. It was at a backpackers and it was with a girl from Sydney and a boy from Perth. On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it a 6.5. Actually, now I come to think of it, all the times I have been involved in a threesome there has been a fair dinkum Aussie involved. You guys love it! Why am I even bothering to justify myself here?

Each time I went into the act I was well up for it but I left feeling unsatisfied and still horny. Sure, maybe I was doing it wrong, but, really, I just think I’m selfish and every time I just wanted the other girl to vanish… and I was not the girlfriend. This one time, things were going swimmingly. I was really enjoying myself and was totally lost in the debaucherous moment – and when one finds themselves in this moment, one usually lets out a little moan. Well, the sound of a girl being pleased by your boyfriend was obviously the last straw and suddenly a fist came flying over my shoulder and straight into the pleasure giver’s left eye. She then ran out of the room crying. So, I did what any normal, single red-blooded woman would do: I proceeded to have sex with both of them individually on a one-on-one basis and it was considerably more enjoyable.

I’m not saying that I am against a little ménage á trios – I’m sure there are many, many contrary stories, but in my experience it was not all that. The idea of it and the build-up and the initial moments were more exciting than the act itself. All three people have to be on the same page when it comes to sexual taste, intention and mood. All need to be lost in the moment and not inside their head. Seriously, what are the odds? Ideally, I would like a kind of rock ‘n’ roll situation where there is incense burning, Jimi Hendrix playing and there are props readily available such as feathers and massage oil – Woodstock style! A cocktail of fluorescent lighting, awkward vibes and anxious, sexually inept participants is what it usually boils down to.

Please do not be put off from exploring the world of more than one sexual partner at a time based on my experience. It’s different for everybody! I suggest a game of strip poker and taking it from there. But I have to say that, despite your indignant response, I remain unwavering in my opinion. And while I would like to say I am open to be proven wrong, I fear the odds of the perfect moment with the perfect chemistry in the perfect setting is like finding 50 bucks in an old jacket pocket: possible but unlikely.

Keep up with The Obnoxious Owl’s weekly ‘Shooting from the Hip’ column here.