Weekly updates:

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Weekly updates

For the 25th anniversary of A Tribe Called Quest’s breakthrough debut album, the awkwardly-titled People’s Instinctive Travels And The Paths of Rhythm, Q-Tip and the gang have announced that a special edition will be released to celebrate the occasion this coming November, complete with ‘remixes by rappers who were inspired by A Tribe Called Quest.’ Now if this was simply a case of getting some current producers to rework some of the original beats, it might provide an interesting spin on some old favorites such as ‘Footprints’ and ‘Push It Along,’ even though Jive already released an album worth of UK remixes to early Tribe stuff back in 1992.

What this press release actually means is that a bunch of young MCs are going to be invited to stomp their muddy Timberland boots all over old ATCQ songs and do their best to kill everyone’s buzz. Wasn’t Kanye and Cons’ ‘03 Electric Relaxation‘ bad enough? Just for shits and gigs, let’s run through some possibilities as to what we might expect from this bonus disc:

‘Push It Along’ [Remix] feat. Lupe Fiasco and Skateboard P

Surely the perpetually grumpy author of ‘Kick, Push’ would be the ideal candidate to update this opening number into a pro-skateboard ditty along with Pharrell’s alter-ego, assuming he can spare time in between griefing Complex bloggers on Twitter? I can see the branding opportunities with Stussy already!

‘After Hours’ [Remix] feat. J. Cole

For listeners suffering from any form of insomnia, or those coming down from a big weekend of pills, booze and codeine dreams, Mr. Cole is ready to take you straight to ‘Dreamville’ with his sleepy tales of whatever ‘Joe Average’ tales of still missing his high school sweetheart he decides to rap about. On the bright side, at least he’ll have material for his next solo song, ‘Let Tribe Down.’

‘I Left My Wallet In El Segundo’ [Remix] feat. Action Bronson

Since Bam Bam has already done the Easy Rider tribute and enjoys spicy food, who better to go and hang out with Roseanne Barr and visit the North American branch of video game giant Konami for some free Metal Gear Solid V posters, as the Tribe return to resume their afternoon of adventure in California, hopefully with wallet chains this time.

‘Can I Kick It?’ [Remix] feat. Consequence

Having abandoned his post as Kanye West’s right-hand man (NOT a weed carrier, as he insists), Cons returns to reunite with his cousin Q-Tip, claiming that he’s back just to ‘bring back that star-power’ that made “Stressed Out” get so many spins on radio.’ In reality, it’s because he’s been bored and lonely since he’s not on Love and Hip-Hop anymore and Joe Budden won’t return his calls since that unfortunate ‘sucker punch’ incident.

Youthful Expression [Remix] feat. Joey Bada$$

Joey loses his shit in the ultimate ‘90s flashback and writes his verse entirely from the perspective of a beeper, while name-dropping Walker Wear, Cross Colors and Triple 5 Soul clothing and calling out MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice for being ‘too pop.’

Bonita Applebum [Remix] feat. Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift

These two ‘frenemies’ combine their star power to simultaneously celebrate Nicki’s backyard while lamenting Ms. Swift’s complete absence of hind quarters, the ultimate message being that every woman can be a Bonita Applebum if they believe that, in the immortal words of the evergreen My Little Pony franchise, ‘friendship is magic.’

Ham ‘N’ Eggs [Remix] feat. Jay Electronica

Back from his time spent in London treating his former trust-fund girlfriend to Nando’s meals and getting barred from nightclubs, the world’s most popular under-productive rapper dude is ready to rail on the evils of swine, aka ‘cat, rat and dog’ and takes shots at eggs as part of some vegan-funded conspiracy to increase sales of kale and tofu. You monster!

Keep up with Robbie’s weekly ‘No Country for Old (Rap) Men’ here.